Scan continuation

We went back the following week for the scan with Dr B. As usual it took some time before the nurse called us. The doc was attending to another case and so the nurse scanned me first. We hoped that baby would cooperate and be in a good position for them to see. When she did get a somewhat better view, she called Dr B in and he continued the rest. 

Somewhere in between some other doctors and nurses came in and studied the scans. I told myself not to look at the monitor and just calm down. Hard though when the doctors are right beside you and you caught enough jargon to know that the borrowed hope you were living on had just *poofed* like that. The interrupted arch was a real thing. He asked if we went for amnio, I still don’t want to do it. He confirmed what Prof had told us the previous week and recommended that we see Dr S who is a pediatric cardiac specialist. She would give us better insight and understanding. 

I had been to an excursion earlier on that day and was filled with good vibes and happy thoughts. That 30 minutes changed everything. Try as I could, it was hard to contain the fear, worry and anxiety I felt. All I could think of was that it was all my fault. I hadn’t been as diligent with  my supplements, the husband had chided me too. Even despite what the doctors said – that it wasn’t anything that I could have done to avoid this – I felt horrible. It was my mistake too, in delaying the talk with the insurance agent about getting a maternity insurance plan… Before we found out about all of this. So many things weighed on my mind and heart. I felt so exhausted. 

A close friend had accompanied us that day and helped bear some of the sadness and pain of the day’s events. Dinner was a quiet sombre affair. 

We went home, reading the report given by Dr B. He suggested we do amnio (again) to karyotype (because it seemed like it was a confirmed case of a chromosome deletion) and Fish test for both DS and 22q.11.2. There was mention of an evolving hypoplastic left heart. Later that night I read up on it and my heart sank further. At this point, it was hard to describe what I felt. Mostly numb, fear that turned into crying and general… I won’t even call it sadness or depression. But it felt as if someone took all the sunshine and flowers from your soul and bleached it grey. 

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