Vision

In all the times that I envisioned my future, I never thought that I would be burying my child. It still feels surreal. 

Sometimes I catch myself thinking that I need to go into the ward and check on him. I miss those days when he was awake and just observing the room around him quietly. His eyes darting around and maybe… It was the malaikat who was playing with him and keeping him company. 

I miss those moments when we would try to give him the pacifier and he would fight, using his gums to stop it from entering his mouth. But once it was, he sucked on it with so much gusto and it always made me laugh and melt. Those moments when his eyes would cross when he was looking at his tube and we would stroke his forehead gently to refocus them. Those moments when he waved his arms, covered in the small white towels meant to keep him warm. When we peeked at his fingers and toes and asked the nurses if they could help trim it so he wouldn’t scratch himself. 

Even in such a short span of time, Little H gave us so many memories. His milestones were notike other babies, but they were special and showed us what a truly strong brave and courageous fighter he was. In two months he had grown, his face changed and we got to see what a truly handsome boy our son was. His straight hair, the nice eyebrows, his big shiny eyes, his playful little mouth and that chin. That’s my chin right there. 

I’m so bersyukur that when we buried him, the weather was perfect. It had rained and so it was cooling. There were no giant puddles, it wasn’t muddy. The clouds gave him and us shade. Calm and peaceful, just what he wanted. 

Oh Allah, keep my our son safe in Your arms and grace. 

And Little H, please don’t forget us ok? We will join you soon. We’ll be a family again. 

I love you with all my heart. 

Sayang H.