Who I am today, is because of you

My dear boy, you’ve made me who I am today. I have said it before, that it was you who gave me strength – then and even now. I could be morose and melancholic like so many other grieving parents, angry and bitter and jaded; but what would that accomplish? I am ok, in the ways that a grieving mother can be. Days where I function perfectly well and days when things just aren’t so good. I reflect back on those precious 83 days I had with you. Some of it I wished I had pushed harder for a chance to carry you and hold you, before the surgeries, before the ECMO, before the intubation. I asked myself that perhaps, that skin contact we should have had would have saved you because all the ‘i love yous’ I’ve whispered couldn’t.

I am trying to live and to move ahead without regret. I am not moving on without you, always ahead with you in my heart and mind. How could I not wake up or go to sleep without you lingering in my mind? All the precious memories I have of you, playing in a never-ending loop. I miss you, beyond words, beyond emotion, beyond tears and action. Every prayer is tinged with doas for you in Jannah. Praying that your great grandparents get to see you and play with you and look after you before I finally take my place with you. Praying for your happiness and for the memories of the hospital and surgeries to be taken away. I know that you don’t feel or remember all of that anymore. I fear though that you never had the chance to feel and hear my heart beating in the last hour of your life. I was selfish, not letting anyone else hold you, but I couldn’t bear to let go of you because I had been waiting all the time for even just one moment to feel you and your weight, your everything, in my arms.

One day. I hope to at least be able to carry your brothers and sisters. One day. I hope to tell them your story. And I hope that one day, when I am gone, that they will continue to visit you (and me) as I have – to keep your grave tidy and replace the old flowers with new.

I miss you my little nom nom. So much. So intensely. And I love you always, with every fibre of my being.

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